hushabye, baby

For the love of all that is good and holy, hushabye.

I've hinted at it before, but sleeping isn't Mollie's strong suit. She started off impressively and was sleeping through the night by about 10 weeks (and not that nonsense where they say sleeping through the night equals 5 hours. In what world is that sleeping through the night?). But then her temper - I mean "personality" - started to emerge.

The personality that makes her an absolute delight to be around during the day (absurdly social, loving, and stubborn) doesn't translate well to being left alone for long periods of time on someone else's clock. She'd wake up, want to see us, and yell and cry until we came. She had this insane stamina too; while countless books and anecdotes say that the baby just needs to be allowed to cry it out for a night or two to be learn, it took us weeks and months of sleep training to break her patterns. And any little disruption - teething, a cold, traveling, learning to stand in her crib, etc. - would seriously set us back for weeks. She'd fight naps, too, though thankfully not as regularly. It seemed like a guessing game with no answer key, where I'd switch out foods, consult multiple books, change nap schedules, try different bedtime routines...all with the nagging feeling that I was messing up as a mom and not helping my baby be healthy and rested.

That worry has a way of wearing on you that, combined with not getting many consecutive hours of sleep, can lead to a rather frazzled spirit. There were nights when I was frustrated, nights when I stomped around more than I gently swayed, and nights when I cried right alongside Mollie. One night  I found myself basically yelling Hail Mary's at 3:00am...there was nothing reverent about my volume! I was admitting this to a friend a few days later when she reminded me with a smile: "But still - you were saying Hail Mary's."

It turns out that I needed sleep training just as much as Mollie did. Getting her to sleep was an important goal, but mostly because then I could get back to sleep. But my friend reminded that there are things that trump even sleep (wonderful, tantalizing, elusive sleep): obeying the call to quiet our hearts to listen and talk to God.

"By waiting and by calm you shall be saved, in quiet and in trust shall be your strength." 

Isaiah 30:15

As soon as she pointed this out, my nights became different. Mollie might have continued to wake up, but I didn't feel like my time was being wasted anymore. Don't get me wrong - I'm still drunkenly half-sleepwalking while rocking her much of the time - but it turns out you can actually still pray in that state. Our Father's and Hail Mary's flow effortlessly and I find myself adding in prayers of thanksgiving that they've become ingrained in me. Mollie's breathing slows as I whisper them, and mine slows to match hers. In the middle of the night I experience the calm and peace that often eludes me during the noisy day.

And in case anyone's still worried about our mental our physical health, I should add that Mollie has transitioned to happily taking one long nap a day, and mostly sleeps through the night for 12 hours. Sometimes she wakes up once a night, and I try to make the most of that time holding my little girl in the dark and quiet. I rock her and kiss her forehead, and thank the Lord for our day...and for the night. Sleep training has been good for both of us.